Abby Kavanaugh

What are my goals as a writer?

I thought about this question for a long time. It rang in my ears, repeating itself. There are so many angles to this question that it boggles my mind. To get to the heart of the matter, it must be split into separate questions. What do I want to be able to say about my writing? What do I wish to accomplish through my writing?

There are so many things I want to be able to say about my writing in the future. I want to be able to look back and realize that I never backed down from a challenge. That I never took the easy road. Some ideas for stories come to me and I balk at them. They are too complex, too sexual, too socially unacceptable. Eventually I find myself shifting from that idea to one that is soft, cushy, and particularly easy to put on paper. I don't want that. As a writer, I want to challenge myself. Every time I turn out a piece of writing, even if it isn't Bestseller quality, I want to be able to smile and know that I took no shortcuts to get to the end of the road. Not only that, I want to be proud of what I write. When someone reads it, no matter what their reaction, I want to be able to stand up and say it's mine. I wrote it.

While I take want to take pride in my work, I also want to know that I never put my writing second to something menial. I want to be able to say that, even though it was difficult, I sat down in front of the computer and wrote for three hours with absolutely no inspiration. To be a writer and to fall out of practice, is to be no writer at all. Sometimes I feel like I am afraid of doing what I love to do, and failing miserably. It's so daunting that I fear even approaching the computer, let along putting words onto a blank screen. That's not me. I'm not afraid of anything, really. I want those 3 AM bursts of inspiration just like any other writer; but when it doesn't come, I want to still be able to practice my art. There are so many days I make excuses for not writing: too much homework, a good show is on TV, I'll write something later. Well later never comes. I keep putting it off and putting it off until I don't know why I wanted to sit down and write in the first place.

Which brings me to another point. I want to be able to recognize that writing is and always will be the only thing that I love and want to do. I don't ever want to lose those feelings of empowerment when something great flows from my fingers to the page. I want to revel in the feeling of being a catalyst for my work. There are days that I still wonder why I want to be a writer. So many people are telling me to go to journalism school and be a reporter. It would be like slitting the wrists of the artist in me. Slowly, she would die away. Never do I want to lose her. She is more me than I am and I could not survive without the knowledge that I am doing everything in my power to make someone as excited about my fiction as I am.

My goals are a less easy to explain in words. While I could talk all day about the things I want to be able to say regarding my writing, what I actually want to do with it always seems to be something that shouldn't be said aloud. I fear that when put on paper, in black and white, the reality hits home and someone --a higher being if you will-- is going to see it and shake their head. Nope, sorry Abby. Your goals are set way too high and I'm afraid you're just going to have to settle for less this time.

While I don't necessarily seek wealth from my writing, it would be nice. Plus, it would go hand in hand with what I truly want. My name on the New York Times' Bestseller List. I know, talk about reaching for the stars right? Well, you have to set your limit somewhere, and I was always told the sky was the limit. I want people to recognize my writing and love it. Even if I don't get as famous as those author's on the bestsellers list, I want some group of people to continue coming back for more. It is how I feel about Tamora Pierce. Not many have heard of her until recently, when she was recognized as one of the most overlooked authors today. I read her books when I was 12 years old and still read them today. She is my idol. To publish my stories in my name would be the greatest of triumphs for me. I don't care how I do it, I'm going to get it done.

Short-term, I have more reasonable goals with my writing. First and foremost is to get a short story published through the L. Ron   Hubbard Writers of the Future contest. Basically, if you win one of the quarters or are the grand prize winner, you are guaranteed agents at your door. It is the most prestigious science fiction/fantasy genre contest today. I have submitted some work to it, which was unsuccessful. I will not be deterred. Some day, with some piece, I will take that prize and revel in it. No matter how many quarters I have to enter to finally get recognized, it is my goal to get first place somehow.

Also along the lines of publication, is to continue sending work out to different contests and magazines. I have found some useful web-sites over the years that have listed all sorts of magazines that fit the genre I look for and consider new authors' work at certain times of the year. Currently, I still have a prose piece in contest and will be notified November 1. Because of the large percentage of writers who never get published, I know that I have to be recognized by more than one source to make anyone want to look twice at me. While the L. Ron Hubbard is the gem of contests, it wouldn't hurt to have some magazines backing my writing as well.

My top goal, whether you call it long- or short-term, is to never settle. To not back down even though I know the odds are against new authors to break into the field. I know I don't want to be a reporter. I understand that I will have to work shoddy jobs to make ends meet while I embody the image of Kafka's "Hunger Artist." It doesn't phase me. It worries the hell out of my parents who still wish that I would have gone into any other field than the one I want to pursue. They are beginning to understand. If I quell my passion, I will be an empty husk of my former self. I know I can't settle for less than I need. Therefore, I can never give up my writing. Even when I want to quit, I always find solace in front of a blank white screen. Black text begins to flow over it, and I am home. How can I even think that anything will be able to satisfy me more than these moments? I cannot.