Chris Heisserer
 

A thoughtofsomething else                                10/27/04

I am a vessel for this world, a "live for words, die for words" thought-processed cage of fighting one-handed continuation, a Mobius strip of recurring nightmares. I imagined myself a courier of words, the other day, and I felt so very enlightened... I mean, it's only the ghost of a greater meaning, a sliver of divine, celestial light that only permeates the thickestmost layers of my understanding, but it's a start. To be peace, to be nothingness; that is transcendence.

Religions, races, lifestyles have been put into finding the ultimate peace, fighting styles and stances, movements of thoughts, and several eastern philosophies have been rooted in that idealism... The ultimate peace is nothingness, for there is no love, no war, no hate, or need. At the same time, it is a perfection attained only by gods of the religion you choose to believe, that focal-point of balance. To be called Catholic, to be called Wiccan, to be called Taoist is to revere that nothingness of not having emotion; that perfection of who you are, what you are, and where you are going.

That statement said (and I've written about this several times in the past), if this philosophical branch of understanding is to be pursued to its ultimate destination, it is that of fascism. Pure fascism. Or communism. Pure communism. Or, simply stated, the hive-mind with catacombed individuality and unrecognizable indifferences between yourself and the person directly beside you. One queen ant, a million workers, all doing the same task, doing the same thing, but composed of nothing as self, nothing as individuals, all thrown wholly to the greater good that is bestowed upon them, a transcendence.

In this aspect, ants and bees, some of the basest of creatures found on this planet, are of a deeper meaning than even the strongest heroes of lore, the Greek gods of divine love and compassion, and in the image of God we Catholics, Protestants, Lutherans, Jews, Muslims, and countless other religions believe, they are alike in divine belief.

I'll finish this later. For now, I must indulge the human need to eat. ~x

10/28/04

Where was I? Mine is a voice of varying whims.

As for myself, where I am in this world, in this pursuit of otherworldly transcendence: I am farther away from it than most other people. As far as my understanding permits (and it does not permit as much as I wish it would, sadly), so far I am a boy still too rooted in the reality of things. Of wanting, of brokenness, and instead of striving for the peace of self, the nothingness and silence of thought required to transcend into that otherness of thought, that truly divine inspirational place somewhere in the clouds, somewhere in the void that is the center of space... I am striving for disconnectedness, chaos inside. Anarchy of the mind, a telepathic conundrum of reoccurring nightmares. I break the mold of what I think I am every time I open my eyes, every blink, every word spoken and thought rendered whole. Knowing the beast, feeling it and seeing it and touching it and breathing it does not make you any less controlled by it.

It only makes one 1) aware that, indeed, it is a beast separate from you, and 2) it was created by you, rendered powerful and in control of you, and certainly within bounds to lose that control.

Gandhi is one of those people, if he was born two thousand years ago, would be revered the same as Jesus; not only a great man of strength and power, but one of the few that strove for peaceful interactions between nations. Satyagraha, or the "Search for Truth," is connected directly to Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (a comic with much needless death and destruction by a boy rendered innately evil incarnate) by the message they portray. Both Gandhi and Johnny were striving for one thing and one thing only: Peace. Peace of mind, of spirit, of soul, of environment. They were striving for that nothingness that is so very out of human reach.

Any great individual in any great story from any era of time, be it Superman or Nick Caraway, Dr. Frankenstein or Gandhi, Achilles or Jerry Seinfeld, each are have that connectedness to you, that spark of truth within them that you gravitate toward, that drive for finding, and controlling, the beast, controlling it and calming it to peace. When the balance becomes so precise, so perfected, between love and hate, then, there, the true peace will reside, and residual motion, residual balance, will be so very stabilized, so delicately self-aware, it will only grow stronger in its balance.

In this matter, when perfection is achieved, it cannot be undone. When there is an inner nothing so great that one transcends, much as Buddha did under the bodhai tree, when you see truth in such a vibrant, alive way that causes all other doubts, fears, reservations to vanish, that truth remains. That truth stays a being within a being, a self inside one's self, a Mobius strip, a parallel simplistic cycle of reaffirmation. It is a constant to strive toward; such as the speed of light, the number Pi, a conceivable way to destroy information, and the creation of stable energy source from nothing.

In my lifetime I wish to find that beast and prey upon it, connect those broken, shattered pieces that is me, form a philosophy that is able to hold me enthralled through anything, and construct a world in which to live that philosophy. ~x