Situation & Summary : Ten years from now, I'm being interviewed about my newest bestseller by Conan O'Brien.   We talk about how I've gotten over my biggest struggle as a writer, the importance of deflating one's ego, anything and everything, and how the writers I enjoy have shaped my own life as a writer.

C: Welcome to the show, Jules, this is really an honor.   ::Conan shakes my hand, gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek::

J: Oh no, Conan, the pleasure's all mine.   I've always wanted to meet you, and look--I'm a guest on your fucking show.   How more lucky can a girl get?

C: Well, you know, now that you put it that way... ::overdramatically putting a comb through his hair in the way of the Fonz::

J: ::laughing hysterically, crowd is also very amused::   You are too too much, Conan.

C: Yeah, that's what they all say. ::nodding and acting the part of the total stud::

J: ::shakes head, and clears throat:: Um, ahem, ahem.   ::giggling::

C:   Oh, oh, yeah, the interview. TV Show. Me host, you guest. Uggg.

J: It's okay. I think I've been thoroughly entertained for the rest of my life.

C: Nice.   ::looking totally satisfied with himself:: That was easy.   ::Conan laughs::

J:   ::audience laughs::   Hey, now...

C: Didn't mean a thing, I swear.   Anyway, look at you, Miss Young Pretty Best-Selling Author Thing. ::crowd applauds enormously::

J: Don't know about the "thing" part, but yeah, okay, that works.   ::laughs::

C: Wow, three bestsellers.   So young.   So brilliant.   I am just in awe here.   How did you do it?

J: It's been a long road, Conan.   I am just as much in awe as you are, I can assure you.

C: Okay, well, I think it would be interesting to know what kinds of obstacles you've had to overcome in this journey?

J: It's been hard, but I've worked on getting over my struggle with ending my stories.

C: Why was it such a struggle for you?

J: It's really kind of hard to explain.   I suppose it could be somewhat compared to relationship committmentphobia.  

C: ::Conan laughs::   Um, okay.

J: No, seriously.   I think of my stories like relationships.   Sure, I like what's happening--the cheap thrills are always a pleasure--I may even like the direction it's headed....

C: ::Conan interrupts::   So, then, what's the problem?

J: You know, Conan, it's weird, but it's like I can't allow myself to be stuck with any one ending.   I've always been afraid to commit to this or that ending.   I know that sounds silly, since there is a plethora of ending options.

C: Sure, if you're creative enough, I suppose.

J: A lack of creativity is the total opposite extreme to what I'm referring to.   Let's see, a good way to explain this....   You may have never considered this, Conan, but most writers never look at their work again, once it's published.

C: Wow. Why is that, aren't you proud of it?

J: Pride certainly does   exist--after all, you're published--many authors don't even get that lucky.   The deal here is that there is a certain "set-in-stone" quality to published work.

C: ::realization hits:: Oh, oh, I see, I think I've got what you're saying.   So, basically, once it's published, it's just a little too final?

J: Sure, that's exactly it.

C: You're right, Jules, I guess I never thought of it that way before.

J: At that point, I don't even want to think about my work again.   There'll be this one little thing that you know you should have changed, but you didn't, and for the rest of your career, it will eat at your soul.   ::crowd and Conan laugh::

C: That sounds pretty dramatic.

J: Oh, but it's very very true, Conan.   And what's worse than that, after all that revising and editing and such--someone points out a typo.   Now, after all that work, how a typo is even possible--is just way over my head.   ::crowd laughs::   One typo. One typo is bearable, I suppose, but if there's say three or four--you may as well get the rope out to hang yourself.   Your career is over.

C: Christ.   That's pretty harsh.   Does this happen a lot?

J: No.   I was just busting your balls. ::crowd laughs::

C: Oh please, please don't do that. ::looks down at package to make sure it's still intact, crowd laughs even harder::

J: No worries, Conan.

C: Thank God.   ::gives an overdramatic shiver::   But anyway, Jules, this new book of yours, let's talk about that for a minute or two.

J: Sounds good, what would you like to know about it?

C: You called it The Great American Novel . I can't get over this.

J: ::laughs heartily::

C: Don't get me wrong, it is extremely good--I've read it myself, two or three times already.   A pretty ballsy move for a book title though, don't you think?

J: That's really funny that you mentioned that.   Everyone mentions that.   Really, I don't think it was too ballsy, I think it was the perfect choice.   For the first book, maybe.   Maybe that would be going a little too far--the ego would be a little too big.   But really, Conan, this has been kind of like my back up title plan.   I sat there for weeks trying to figure out what to name that piece of shit, and then it hit me.   I remember back in some of my college writing courses, I used to joke about giving one of my books that title, and I used to laugh about how I would get rich and famous off of it.   And well, you know....

C: Damn, maybe I should have thought of that.   ::crowd laughs::   Now, Jules, you referred to this novel as a "piece of shit."   You don't really feel that way about it, do you?

J: Well...

C: I mean, it's at the top of the New York Times Best Seller list.

J: True, Conan.   Very, very true.   Though, you know, I think there will always be a little part of me who doesn't want to jinx it.

C: Jinx what?

J: This, everything--success.

C: How would you ruin that?

J: In this business, I'm sure you know this as well as I do, you can't let your ego get the better of you.   Fame is one of those things.   It's like a really really nice well-paying illusion, but popularity can be gone just as quickly as it comes to you.

C: Yeah, that's true.   Entertainment is a tricky thing.   ::Conan knocks on his wooden desk, and laughs::   Just for good measure.   ::audience laughs::

J: A very unstable career, indeed, but it's one that I love.   I love all my fans for loving me.   I know that sounds pretty corny, but it's true.   Any little bit helps.

C: I definitely understand that.   Now, tell me, Jules, surely you have some favorite writers out there.   Why don't you give them a quick plug.

J: Okay, first and foremost--this many years later, I fear no one will have heard of him--Richard Peck.   He's a very excellent young adult author.   He's retired from writing by now, but he's still kicking--we have lunch on a regular basis.   ::smiles very widely::

C: Has Mr. Peck been very influential on your career?   I mean, obviously.

J: Oh, oh, definitely.   Absolutely.   He's actually from my hometown.   I think that's the part about him I like the most.   All the time I had been reading his books as a child and as a teenager, and lo and behold, the home he lived in when he was in Decatur--it was about three blocks away from my own house.   It was the coolest thing I had ever encountered.   The thing that struck me the most about him was that he had made it.   Richard Peck had overcome Decatur, IL.   He made me feel that I could do it too, though I have never thought of myself as nearly as good a writer. He is a golden god. ::giggling hysterically, crowd laughs too::

C: Sounds like a pretty hard feat.

J: Really, it is, and I know a lot of people try their whole lives to get out of their small towns and become someone.   The sad thing is, a lot of people don't quite get that far.

C: Definitely.   Okay, you have your golden god, who else has shaped the fucked up writing that we see today?

J: One word: Chuck.

C: Palahniuk?

J:   Yessss....

C: He has actually been on my show--he's a great guy.   Funny.   Very funny.

J: I definitely do remember that.   I'm sure there was talk of Mormons and necrophilia.

C: ::everyone laughs:: Yeah, that sounds about right for this show.

J:   I still haven't had the chance to meet him.   But one day.   One day, I just want to walk around inside his brain.   To me, he is truly genius.   He is so fucking clever.

C: Hmm... Walk around inside his brain--I don't know how safe that would be.   ::audience laughs::

J: You're probably right, but without him, I wouldn't be the writer I am today.   I wouldn't have the guts to throw my thoughts out the way I do.   He is one crazy motherfucker.   One day, Conan.   It will be mine.   Oh yes, it will be mine.   ::beaming::

C: Um, okay, and I think that's a good note to conclude on. ::crowd laughs::   I hope the absolute best for you, Julie.   And please, please, feel free to come back on--it was a real treat.   ::crowd applauds heavily::

J: Thanks. ::shakes Conan's hand, and crowd keeps applauding::

C: Alright folks, that's our show for tonight!   Great show.   Great show.   Goodnight! ::crowd continues clapping as show ends, and the band plays out::