Dear You,
I love the way you can watch summer turn into fall. When the air begins to feel brisk and the leaves swirl around the sidewalks, as if playing a game with each other. It's late October nights like these when the temperature is so low that all you want to do is crawl into bed with a hot cup of tea. I like to let the smell of chamomile drift around my head for a few minutes before I take the first sip, which always burns my tongue no matter how long I wait. It's nights likes these when I remember the way you would kiss the tip of my tongue and blow on my tea until it was cool enough to drink. You were always so thoughtful. You would lay your head on my chest while I read to you from my book, it didn't matter what I was reading. You were always mindful of turning the page when it was time.
I can hear the rain beginning to hit my window and when I see the flash of lightning, I cover my ears quickly so the thunder won't scare me quite as bad. Soon the rain will turn to snow. You used to hold my head tight to your chest on nights like these. You would cover my ears so I wouldn't be scared. You would run your fingers through my hair because you knew the rhythm would lull me to sleep. I can hear the water under the rotating tires of the cars driving by outside. It must be freezing out there. We would always turn the heat down low on nights like these so that we could put our big down comforter on our bed. You always gave me your favorite socks to wear to bed. We would never let go of each other while we slept. You were always so careful to hold me close.
I remember on a night just like tonight when we carved pumpkins on the kitchen floor. We tried to save the seeds so we could roast them. You threw the first handful of guts at me and the melee ensued. We were covered head to toe and so was our kitchen. We laughed so hard we had to hold our stomachs while tears streamed down our cheeks. I sketched the designs on the pumpkins and we carved one funny one and one scary one; just like we always did. We would light them up and turn off all the lights to see how they looked in the dark. The soft glow that came from their faces lit up ours as we stared at them so proud of our work. You were always so sweet the way you made your pumpkin look a little bit worse than mine.
I had to carry Norman to our bed tonight. He's getting so old. He just can't jump up here like he used to. You would always go get him when it was storming out. He still barks and cries until I go get him. But I sleep with him most nights. It's too lonely to sleep here by myself. He lays in your spot and when he looks up at me with those big brown eyes, I am reminded of your beautiful brown eyes. I still remember when we picked him out as a puppy. He wasn't as small and cute as the ones that everyone else wanted which was exactly why you wanted him. You could look past his scruffy appearance to see the huge heart that he had. You were always so compassionate.
The only thing on television tonight is a cheesy scary movie, but I'm terrified all the same. This time last year I was hiding behind your hands, peeking through your fingers at all the wrong times. You knew what parts to hide me from before I even knew what was coming. It's different to watch them now. The house seems so big, so empty, and so easily frightening in moments like this. You were always so good at making me feel safe.
I can still remember our last kiss. You pulled my face close to yours and told me you loved me. It was a long kiss, longer than our normal goodbye kiss. You didn't want me to go out in the weather because it was cold. You were supposed to get the ice cream and come right back. You never came back. The ice cream doesn't seem that important to me anymore. You were always so wonderful to me.
On nights like these the rain can turn to ice on the streets. On nights like these I think of the phone call that took you away from me. The call that told me you had been in an accident. The streetlights were blurry. The windshield wipers couldn't keep up with the rain. You were gone before I made it to the hospital. I fell to my knees and my hands landed hard on the cold linoleum. I couldn't breathe. Sometimes I still can't. I don't know that I want to. I miss you constantly. I love you desperately. You were always my life.
Love, Me
